31 5 / 2012
Love come from yourself
So, it’s kinda telling what i have through….
When I was 18, I have assigned in my Institute. I was frustrated because the department that I assigned to is not what I want to study. I wanted to study medical when I was in Hi-school. The situation was frustrating, My family situation was horable, my parent were argued almost everyday. I had and still have difficulty to adapt with the environment, people and the lecture.Physic is absolutely a subject that I dislike. When I was in Hi-school, I only good at computer, art and history. What I mean is that the situation I had what depressing at the first year, I was only listened to music like Angels and Airwaves, the loudest the music the more better I feel.
March 2009 my cat named Jacki went away from home, it made every depressing thing complete. In the same year I try to cut my hand, I tried it with scissors, but nothing work, then I got a cutter and I cut my hand, it made a scar, But I didn’t die. I cried hard, harder and harder. Until I remember that I still have a chance to run away from depression. Germany is the answer, I have obsessing this country since I was eight years old. I try to reach that chance, so I started with the language in September 2009. I was assigning to language course, I want to be in the middle of foreign, I can say heterogeneous.I learn a new language with people who has different background and it was fun.
I started to forget about my lecture. I skipped lectures, well now I’m still doing it. My college was running slow. Slower than my other college friend. I was to happy with my language course. I can develop my language, learn culture and history of country that I like. Back to college, everything seems black and white, nothing interesting or exciting.
12 October 2010, My mom came home, there was a yellow thing with tail. It was a cat, he has a cute pink nose, his foot like he’s wearing white shocks. I see that he love to speak. I teach him to call me ‘mbak’ a call for older sister in Indonesian. He call me mbak, I’m very proud of him. When he’s hungry, I teach him to say ‘maem’ and he always say the same word when he’s hungry. 2010 is a good and better year for me.
2011, My cat is no longer the same, I can’t play with him anymore, because he have no will to. My Mom bought a new female pregnant cat in first week of may 2011, she looks mysterious. I think I lost a friend to play and remove my sorrows.
18th May 2011. I’m back to a desperation, My last language course is done. I’m on 8th level from 1 level of language course, a new problem come out. No one assigning for the next level, I was the only one. Almost all my course friend already study aboard or live with their husband/wife. I all alone again. Now there’s no spirit left to study here.
I see my 5 cats eyes, they give me hope. The scream love to me. I’m desperate now when I write this post. But they always come to me, asking love from me, I know they can’t speak the way human do, but they really understand me. I’m very thankful to God for the gifts, and the gifts are my five cats. I love them, they make me love myself.
